The Perfect Blended Family like any Family is an Illusion

Now that we think about it, the Bradys had it pretty good.  In just 30 minutes, the popular television blended family experienced a dilemma, faced it, and solved it, too.  There was even time for commercials!  Of Course, they had great writers . . . and the benefit of being make-believe characters.

In real life, blended families take a long time to "work like clockwork."  And, while "The Brady Bunch" was shown in color, their problems were etched in black and white.  Truth be told, members of a newly-formed family are suddenly drawn together in varying shades of gray.

Who is the American Family?

A generation ago the typical answer was "a father, a mother, and 2.2 children."  Today, it could also be a single parent with children, middle-aged parents with and adult child who has returned home, or an aging parent being cared for by an adult child.  The fastest growing group, however, is the blended family.

Studies show that one out of six children residing with two parents are living with a stepparent.  In fact, many of today's children will have lived in two or three different family arrangements by the time they reach the age of 18!

Despite all the "mixing and matching" of members - or maybe because of it - people are still pinning their hopes on family, believing that it will provide them with stability, comfort and security.  Blended families can come through.  Take a look, though, at what children and parents go through.

Blending the new family

Children and adults bring vastly different feelings and expectations to the "marriage of two families.

What kids fear

Many children have been entertaining fantasies that their biological parents will reunite.  Now that the door is closing, they are dealing with two crises:  lost hope . . . and a new-found family dynamic.  Children are afraid that their biological parent will stop paying attention to them, and that they will no longer see their non-custodial parent.  They fear new stepsiblings will be favored, and that they will have no control in the "blended" household.

What Parents Dream

The parents, meanwhile, are dreaming that "love is lovelier the second (or third) time around."  Hoping for a fresh start, they believe they've learned how to make a relationship work, and that somehow everything will fall into place.

Who am I in the Family?

Taking on the role of stepparent, however, can be frustrating and bewildering.  Parents may be torn between wanting to please their new partner, and feeling loyal to their children.  They may suddenly realize they're being a "buddy" to their step kids while demanding too much of their own children.  Often, too, children in stepfamilies are moving back and forth between households:  leaving a bicycle here, a schoolbook there - parts of themselves in each place.

The first "step" is to let go of some of the myths:

Myth #1 - Marriage makes and instant family.

Reality - The marriage ceremony only symbolizes a commitment between two adults.  Creating a family involves accepting each member as an individual.  This process usually takes from four to seven years.

Myth #2 - Blended families will develop along the same lines as a biological family

Reality - Wishful thinking here. Blended families are not the same a s nuclear family.  They involve former spouses, biological parents, siblings and at least two extended families!  Conflict and confusion are a normal outgrowth as family members attempt to establish new and trusting relationships.

Myth #3 - Bend the rules for visitations.

Reality - Contrary to popular belief, the visiting family member should not be given special privileges.  Consistent discipline and responsibility in an atmosphere of respect and acceptance provides two families - a bonus! - for children to learn beliefs and behaviors.

Myth #4 - Blended families equal immediate love.

Reality - Any expectations that loving feelings are automatic only leads to disappointment.  Remember that some children have been entertaining fantasies that their biological parents will reunite.  Realizing that it won't happen, and being thrust into a new family dynamic, can cause anger and resentment.  Give it time.  Concentrate on building friendship first and hopefully the love will follow.

Myth #5 - Blended families are formed more easily if the other parent dies

Reality - The death of a parent may actually result in feelings of guilt and anger in a child.  The stepfamily may find itself competing with a ghost for awhile, so keep in mind that resolving grief takes time.

How to Cope?

• Back each other up.  Figure out a solution to family differences in private and present a united front to the children

• Slowdown!  "Growing" a blended family takes 4 - 7 years

• Recognize the importance of the other biological parent.

• Address issues early.  Be sensitive to the potential conflicts and head them off.

• Find quality time with your new spouse.

• Plan "alone time" with your stepchildren and a separate "alone time" with your own children.  Reinforce the qualities that make each child stand out.

• Create enjoyable family rituals and traditions to make new memories.

• Develop an emotional bond with stepchildren before exerting authority.

• Make sure each child has his or her own private space.

• Lighten up.  When problems arise, it doesn't matter that you new family is failing, or that your stepchildren hate you . . .

. . . Perhaps it's growing pains!

Like a butterfly shedding its cocoon, the new family must ultimately form its own values and traditions without too many comparisons to the family that came before.  Letting go isn't always easy.  But, the good news is, by being sensitive to individual needs and the family as a whole, a stepfamily can produce unique and rewarding experiences and relationships.  And, isn't that what becoming a "Blended Bunch" is all about?