Successful Divorce

A successful divorce, like a good marriage, is a joint enterprise. The first step is a mutual acceptance that although it may not be the most wanted solution, divorce is the best solution for both partners.

Legal divorce may, and often does, occur in the absence of emotional divorce. Continuing anger, bitterness and vindictiveness or ongoing court battles are certain signs of an emotionally incomplete divorce. Although the couple may be legally divorced, they are still as emotionally tied to one another as ever, preventing them from completing the psychic process of divorce.

Stages of Psychic Divorce:

The Pre-divorce Decision Period is characterized by escalating marital dissatisfaction, often felt more acutely by one partner than the other. Marital intimacy declines, and the couple may fight openly, consult with lawyers or physically separate.

The Decision Period is marked by a firm decision to divorce, resulting in a sense of relief or even exhilaration. Cycles of reconciliation and fighting follow, as the partners alternate between enhanced marital intimacy based on their fears of being alone and emotional distance fueled by their continuing conflicts.

Final Acceptance begins when the couple recognizes the inevitability of divorce; with it may come renewed anger, expressed in fights over settlement terms.

A Period of Mourning follows acceptance, typified by a sense of failure, loneliness, depression and low self-esteem. There are phases of guilt and self-reproach over the breakup, and then realistic sadness, as the couple recognizes the positive aspects of their marriage, but acknowledges the wisdom of ending it.

Re-equilibrium begins when animosity toward the former spouse disappears. New friendships are formed and new interests pursued; the divorcee adjusts to life as a single person.