Living Through a Divorce

Being divorced means more than just no longer being married; divorced people, used to functioning socially as part of a couple, have to get used to thinking and living as a "single" again. To ease the process of separation:

Maintain your friendships during divorce…

• Don’t wait for friends to call you. Call them first to ease their fears of saying the wrong thing or not knowing what to say.
• Build a wide support network. Don’t place all the burden on one or two good friends — they may feel overwhelmed by your needs.
• Resist the temptation to ask friends about your ex’s activities — it may make them feel like spies, and they’ll start avoiding you.
• Don’t force friends to take sides by insisting that anyone who doesn’t completely support your anger at your spouse is "against you."
• Discuss with your spouse how each of you will continue friendships you made as a couple
• Don’t criticize your former spouse to your friends; it may alienate them altogether

Be kind to yourself. It’s normal to be a little crazy during a divorce! Be patient with yourself as you go through the emotional highs and lows. Just as it took time to form your marriage, it will also take time to develop your single identity. The longer the marriage, the longer the recovery time.

Consider formalizing your divorce. Some British courts ask divorcing couples to say to each other: "Goodbye -- thank you for the good times in our marriage. I wish you all the best. Our relationship will continue as mother and father of our children, but not as husband and wife. Good luck."

Find a good therapist to help you figure out what went wrong in the marriage so you don’t repeat destructive relationship patterns. As George Santayana observed, those who do not understand the past are doomed to repeat it.

Take advantage of singles’ groups in your community.
Parents Without Partners 7910 Woodmont Ave., Washington, D.C. 20014) has branches nationwide, as does MOMMA, an organization for single mothers (P.O. Box 567, Venice, CA 90291).