CHILDREN OF DIVORCE: Lost in the Shuffle?

Divorce is not something that happens just between a husband and a wife; 75% of all divorces occur in families with children.  In these families, the psychic divorce is not complete until the children's needs have been met.

No matter how much parents try to hide marital conflict, children sense the tension.  Once the divorce is announced, their reactions go through much the same stages as if a parent had died.  Initially, they may deny the reality of divorce, insisting that the separation is only temporary.  Denial is followed by anger, which may be directed at one or both parents, or turned inward.  The third stage, depression, is marked by fears of abandonment, of ridicule from friends and classmates, or of life-long misery.

Conscious acceptance of the changes that divorce brings marks the final stage.  However, it is not unusual for children to harbor unconscious hopes long after the divorce is final that their parents will reconcile someday.

What about school? Studies have revealed that although children from divorced families had lower self esteem than their peers from intact homes, there was no difference in their school performance.  Children tend to bring their home environment to school, so if a child is accustomed to constant friction at home, he will generate friction at school.  Similarly, if a child sees love and closeness displayed at home, he will bring that behavior into the classroom.  The crucial factor, studies indicate, is not whether the parents are married or divorced, but how much parental conflict children witness at home.

Adjusting How well children adjust after divorce is affected by:

Parental Relationship. If parents can put their personal grievances aside in favor of concern for their children's needs, the children will be less stressed by the divorce.

Parental Example. Parents who model effective ways of dealing with their problems raise children who will have more emotional resiliency.  Children whose parents have inadequate coping skills have fewer emotional resources to draw from during crises.

Lifestyle changes.  Divorce introduces major changes in a child's life.  Keeping the child in the same school, neighborhood or church will help minimize its impact.

Custodial arrangements.  Mother/son and father/daughter relationships are further complicated after a divorce if a child is a painfully constant reminder of the ex-spouse.  Same-sex custody arrangements, on the other hand, limit opportunities for the child to learn to interact with the opposite sex.

Sex of the child.  Although families with sons are 18% more likely to stay together than families with daughters, boys take longer to adjust to parental divorce than girls.  They have more trouble concentrating in school and are less interesting in parenting than men from intact homes; women from divorced families may be overly interested in parenting.

Age of the child.  As children get older, they are more likely to understand that the separation is due to parental conflict rather than flaws in themselves.